Hmm, where do I start this? I don’t want to make this a super long drawn out post, but I’d really like to get some opinions and can’t go to family because this involves them. I guess I’ll just leave the chatter and get straight to the point, but I know it’s going to be hard to stay on track.
Shelby will be 13 come Friday. My grandmother took her shopping Monday night for her birthday, to get her a new pair of jeans. Well, Shelby is her favorite grandchild and she shows it because she’s already brought her a coat and two baskets of bath/body goodies for her birthday, and the other kids are like “we don’t get that much”. Oops, that is what I was trying to avoid, favoritism would be a whole new post of it’s own.
Ok, back to shopping. She wanted to get her a new pair of jeans. Fine. She comes over just as supper gets done to get Shelby, when I’d already told her the trip needed to wait until the next day when she gets home from school. No, not good enough, Grandma enterupts supper. Ugh. Off track again.
They go shopping, come home an hour and 45 minutes later, never mind that Shelby hasn’t done her chore or played her clarinet (homework). Man, I did it again.
The point… Shelby comes home with two pair of jeans, two pair of stretchy pants, and three zippered hoodies. The hoodies are super cute and I approve of them completely, but the jeans and pants are those super low rise ones that come down WAY below her belly button and barely cover her hind end. Shelby took the tags off and put them in the dirty clothes and I washed them yesterday afternoon, then as soon as the dryer stopped she took them to her room, didn’t even wait for me to fold them. I know her all to well so I made her go get them and try them on.
I could have had a heart attack when she came out and I saw them on her. She’ll be 13, I don’t think she should be wearing pants that barely (if at all) cover her underwear. I told her fine, wear the jeans, make sure she has a shirt that covers them or I’ll get rid of them and the stretchy pants can be worn around the house as lounge/pajama pants. She get cranky and heads off to her room mumbling… preteens are so fun.
So this morning Shelby gets dressed and ready for school and I realize she doesn’t have her gym clothes, so I ask about them. She says, “Well, I don’t know if I’ll have gym today.” and apparently I’m stupid and not supposed to know she has gym EVERY day. I make her get her gym bag, which is already packed and waiting in her room, and again I know her all to well so I open it and there are those stretchy pants that she’s trying to wear as gym pants.
Now, again, she’ll be 13, she barely has any hips. When she runs those pants are going to start sliding off her hind end. They’re the super low cut ones so if she bends over to pick up a ball those pants are going to show the crack of her butt.
I made her get appropriate gym clothes and told her we’d talk more after school, because in her eyes I’m exagerating, even though I brought up pictures of the EXACT pants she’s wearing and showed her what the other girls looked like. I have no problem here, Shelby and I will talk it out tonight. Honestly, I’m sure she’ll think about it today and be ready to talk as soon as she comes in the door.
I plan on letting her wear the jeans as long as there is no stomach showing, because if they’re worn with appropriate shirts, they’re really not going to be THAT bad, this is a picture of the same type/brand of jeans (NOT on my daughter)…
Ok, so my delima is with Grandma. She called me last night before Shelby tried them on to see what I thought of the clothes, and I just told her I hadn’t seen them yet. Now that I have, I’d like to give her a complete opinion, but she’s sensitive and will actually break down in tears if I hurt her feelings, which telling her the pants are HIGHLY unappropriate for a child would do. I know she’s going to call me again today so see about the clothes and I just don’t know what to do. I DEFINITELY don’t want her to buy any more of them, but I don’t know how to tell her I don’t approve without upsetting her, and avoiding her isn’t an option.
Ok, so that’s where I’m at, and I would GREATLY appreciate any advice you have for me.
Oh, and I’m sure some of you are going to be like “What’s the big deal? Let her wear them.”, but that is just not going to happen! She’s going to be 13, she’s a 7th grader, she’s a CHILD and I believe fully that children should look like children!
Can you just tell her that you really appreciate the clothes but that some of the pants they are making now-a-days just don’t fit girls right and that the SCHOOL has a dress code or something like that to shift the blame from you?
That’s tough when someone is so sensitive and she really sounds like she just wants your DD to be happy and buy her some nice things.
I totally agree with you. My girls dress modestly at all times.
No sleevless shirts, stomachs covered, one piece swimsuit(with t-shirt over it), skirts to the knee, at least.
Tell her the truth.
A virtuous women is more valuable than rubies. I assume you are raising a virtuous woman, so make sure everyone knows it, including your daughter.
Oh, those pants would not be allowed at our school unless she kept a shirt tucked into them. And if it cam out they would duct tape the shirt to the pants.
Yep, I LOVE it!
I agree tell her the truth, but make sure you tell her you really appreciate the new clothes but they just aren’t something you want your daughter to be wearing.
I’d take the cop out. I’d say the clothes are fine for your daughter to wear around the house, but they can’t be worn to school per the dress code. Suggest that maybe next time they go shopping they choose things that are appropriate for both home and school so she gets maximum wear out of them and money’s not wasted.
I’m afraid I’d have to shoot straight with her. I appreciate that you wanted to buy her some clothes and you wanted to buy something that she would like. However, I think maybe something a little more modest might be a better choice next time around.
Phew, she was just here and didn’t mention the clothes. I guess if she does buy more I’ll just exchange them and not mention it to her.
You do need to mention it to her. As the mom of a 16 year old boy, I appreciate your stand on this. My son has enough temptations without some of the clothing that most moms are allowing their teens to wear. Thank you for being a mom who cares.
And…why do you let her slight your other kids? You do not want to hurt grandmothers feelings but she is not minding hurt the other kids feelings.
I think I put up with the favoritism because Cassie is Grandma S*****’s favorite, Lucas is Grandma T***’s favorite, Wyatt is Grandpa D*****’s favorite. They’ve each bonded with someone different. The difference with the other kids’ is that we don’t see them often so it’s not an all the time thing. Grandma J****** only lives 1/4 of a mile from us, so it is an always thing.
I’ve tried to tell this her she treats Shelby differently, but she just doesn’t get it. Though it’s gotten to the point that Lucas has started telling her about it every time she drops off something for Shelby, which makes her feel bad and she runs out and get something for him. Which doesn’t fix the problem.
I think I’ll call my aunt (who’s a church secretary & Grandma’s daughter) to see what she says about the jeans & pants! Maybe together we can come up with a way to tell without upsetting her.
Ok, so I ended up telling Grandma last night that the pants were really cute, but Shelby wouldn’t be allowed to wear the stretchy pants outside the house because they were just cut too low.
I tried hard to not make it sound like I was criticizing her choice to buy them, though I think her feelings were hurt anyway.
However, today Grandma & I went shopping together and I bought Shelby several pairs of jeans, shorts, and pants that are definitely more suitable, and even explained to her what I look for when purchasing Shelby’s clothes, so hopefully all is well.
I’m late and you already handled it, but trust me, Sarah nailed it. There’s nothing offensive in what she says – just the straight facts and it seems to be exactly what you wanted to say, once you got rid of all the extraneous thoughts about favortism, etc.
To have lied about the dress code would never have worked. Your daughter would rat out.